


Drunk Myths: How Kidnapping and Hate Sex Saved the World

by JQ (musicmillennia)



Series: ColdWave Week 2018 [2]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mythology, Dialogue-Only, Drunk History Parody, Drunk Nate, Kidnapping, M/M, Parody of a Parody then?, also inspired by Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cory O'Brien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 06:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14785059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmillennia/pseuds/JQ
Summary: [Day 2: Kidnapping]An old myth about why the seasons change, narrated by historian Nathaniel Heywood.





	Drunk Myths: How Kidnapping and Hate Sex Saved the World

**Author's Note:**

> The style is emulated from Cory O'Brien's Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology. If you haven't read it, PLEASE. I BEG YOU. READ IT.

Hi, I'm Nate Heywood, and I'm a historian. I, uh. I'm here to―to tell you about myths. And drink.

So I'm gonna be talking about how...okay, y'know what, it's basically this: kidnapping and hate sex made the seasons change. That's how it went. You think that's ridiculous? Try studying  _any other mythology_ and you'll know this? This is  _mild_.

("Mr. Heywood, the actual myth?")

Right, yeah. Sorry, I'm just. I've had a long week. Lemme get another drink...okay. Okay!

So there's Heat and Cold, right? Right. And there's the Sun and Moon. Now, for what _ever_ reason, the Sun's not connected to Heat. No, she's the sister of Cold. Why? I dunno. But that's what's up. So the Sun's all pretty and golden and, like, 99.99 percent of Cold's impulse control. See, lotsa people think Cold was like, this calculating bastard. And he was! But like. He was also― _wild_. Like. This is the guy who provoked a  _hurricane_ 'cause he thought it'd be a fun time.

Anyway, one day the Sun's like, 'hey big bro, I'm gonna go hang out with my girlfriend'―the Moon―'and we're gonna bang for like, the next fifty years.' And Cold's like 'didn't need t'know that sis, but have fun.' So the Sun flies off, and the Moon goes too.

Problem is―well, now there're lotsa problems. Sun's gone, so Cold's  _everywhere_ , brooding all over the place. Moon's gone, and the Moon was bestest buds with Water, who's  _also_ brooding all over the place. Everybody's basically a dark Instagram filter.

Now winter's just. Covered the entire world. Which is yet another problem on top of  _every problem ever_. Or something. It gets so bad that Lightning literally runs  _through a volcano_ to get to Heat, who's sleeping. Probably from a super intense bender. Heat parties hard, man.

Lightning's like 'Heat wake up, Cold's being a sulky teenager and he's going overboard!'

Bit 'a background on Lightning. This dude's young. He's like, the last child of a big storm cloud that―well that's a whole other myth. What I'm saying is, he's basically the  _definition_ of that saying about good intentions. What was it? Point is! He's a sweet guy who makes  _terrible decisions_. So the fact that  _he's_ the one preaching moderation is like. It's bad.

Heat probably sees that and is like 'well damn okay' and gets off his flaming ass. Seriously, his butt's on fire. Everything's on fire. Pretty sure hot coals make up his balls. Can I have another glass?

Ahem. So Heat rises to the surface and is like ' _SHIT_ ,' since the last time he was awake everything was boiling hot. Which was the status quo, according to this myth. People's faces would melt for forever and a half, then suddenly people's lips would freeze together for forever and a half, with not predicting when or where it'd go down. This is just one of those  _worst case scenario_ ones, which means it's like, the Ice Age's wet dreams.

Cold, being a dramatic dude, has built his own Fortress of Solitude in the coldest part of the world. Maybe like, the North Pole or somethin'. And Heat stomps up to him and is like 'babe what the fuck? I was gone for like ten minutes,' and Cold's like, draping himself over the Pole and says 'More like ten years, asshat, now leave me alone.'

Heat gets nowhere. He's more for burning things than actually  _talking_ first, so I guess the kidnapping thing is kinda predictable. But yeah, he sets the whole place on  _fire_ , including Cold's Pole, which is  _not_ a euphemism  _or_ actually part of the myth, and the distraction's bad enough to distract Cold. Or something. The texts aren't exactly clear, they just skip to the part where Heat's back at his volcano and Cold's tied up.

They're kinky, I guess.

No, seriously! Like, they fight, 'cause that's basically how they got married in the first place, but then the words pretty much translate as 'union battle,' so honestly? I'm thinking hate sex. Heat and Cold had hate sex in the middle of a volcano because Cold was being a dramatic asshole.  _Boom_.

I'm guessing Heat topped too, 'cause after a few rounds of volcano hate sex, everything suddenly  _sprung_ to life and everything got warmer. But Cold must've done some, like, clever thing with his fingers 'cause nobody's faces melted off this time. Lightning was so happy he started raining over  _everything_ , which makes his wife, Earth―flowers specifically, but she's usually the general  _soil_ and stuff―really happy and like, since this is a myth, I'm also guessing that's a euphemism? I mean, Lightning's literally watering Earth, so. Y'know.

It's consensual watering, though.

How 'bout a shot? Do we got any shots?  _Nice_. Hey, I told you, it's been a long week.

 _So_. That becomes the new norm. The Sun and Moon stick around, okay, but the Sun starts leaving earlier to hang out with her G-F, which gets Cold brooding, then Lightning's like 'oh no!' which wakes up Heat and then the kidnapping and hate sex brings spring. Then Cold calms his ass when the Sun comes back, Heat has some fun before the Sun wants some lunar kisses again.

Basically, if you wanna get married, make sure you meet the family first.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from. Honestly I was gonna do something dark and violent for this prompt. But oh well?????


End file.
